I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
