Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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