i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You are a genius and a whore.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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