i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
