how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
