that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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