Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
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