I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
