no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Come share oat with me in your robe
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
