before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
