What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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