I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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