Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
