My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
