Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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