What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
