I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
