The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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