if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
