chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
