I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
