I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
