I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
