I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
