Heybabeimwearingurpanties
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
