Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
