that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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