it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
this will be a night to untag.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
