Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
My penis needs a shock collar
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
