I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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