The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
