Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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