There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
