I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Panties = found
Randomize
