I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
