so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
