so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
