I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
