if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
