So drunk its hurt
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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