after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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