I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
