I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
