I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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