Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
He uses pillows to masturbate.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
