Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
