You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
