Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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