I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
