isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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