i love accidental penises.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
